Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job