Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.