ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
No chill.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.