Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Our lord and savoury.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.