Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.