Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.