*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”