incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.