[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too