Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that