“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Stop sending me this shit.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.