April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob