How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.