Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”