If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
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Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect