What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Care for your back
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.