ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Xylophonist Shredding It