The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Social distancing in Australia:
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?