My plans: 2020:
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Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn