Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I feel seen
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.