“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Unimpressed
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
mechanics be like
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!