If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.