first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES