Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest