HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
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Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…