My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
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I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.