[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.