Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
You Might Also Like
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
new year update: losing everything but weight
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: