Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”