You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me recordaron éste meme
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.