CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”