Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
You Might Also Like
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head