cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
is this a warning or an offer?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!