Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
You Might Also Like
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.