2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
You Might Also Like
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*