Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
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I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Lol.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.