[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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Oh boy, $150,000!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Check your privilege
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.