Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?