i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time