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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My teenage children choosing violence
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day