My summer body has been pending for about ten years
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have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god