I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Rich people don’t understand cereal
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*