I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
You deplete me
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
No chill.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve