So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.