My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly