“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.