Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.