health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.