When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
oh my gosh!!
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Okay
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.