If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Dolls on drugs
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.